Weapons of the week.

I was prepared to call it a day on the Ye Old Dating Series Shoppe, and then this newest dispatch arrived.  This is the Shakespeare of our times, my friends. (N.b.: from a female friend or friends dating in or near a large, American, metropolis, and looking for one or many psychologically and financially stable, heterosexual men; her/their comments in parens):

Bachelor #1:  “PLAIN AND SIMPLE I AM A VIRGIN LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT PERSON LOOKING FOR A PERSON WHO I COULD TALK TO AND HAVE FUN WITH ANDBE HAPPY WITH A PERSON WHO WANT TO HAVED BE VERY ROMANTIC SOME ONE WHO LOVES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME” (this guy is 43 years old. ordinarily i would balk at the use of all caps, but in his case, he’s got a lot of pent up sexual energy to vent)

Bachelor #2: “As one with the ever changing flow of energy I am the ever living entity of which stands through the beloved storm. Feel free as one should to ingest this feast of words spoken in logical yet indescribable fashion (logical? i’ll be the judge of that). Are you now with me or have you transgressed to a comatose state of concious being. Has my warpping of the thought process given me total control of the shell standing and gazing upon my electric resonance of information personal. Are you with me. (no, i’m not with you. and don’t call me a shell)

Bachelor #3: “Searching for my missing rib” (for the academics out there: i read this as “searching for my missing irb.” i need a vacation)

Bachelor #4: “am single , with a child highly educated, extremely well-read, utterly family-oriented, indoctrinated in values (yikes…does this make him “God-fearing”), truly honest (as opposed to lying about your honesty?), genuinely caring, have a good sense of humor and a bit of sarcasm, 5’11” and 143 pound.” (5’11” and 143 lbs??? really?)

Bachelor #5: “A little about me…I like sarcasm unless it’s directed at me. My favorite dinner topics are religion and politics. I don’t believe man is responsible for global warming (huhh?). I’m not lazy but I really enjoy putting in some couch time. I also sometimes use the dryer as my 2nd closet and empty it one piece of clothing at a time. I’m not depressed, but I thoroughly enjoy a good depressing song. i like getting drunk over a nice dinner but also like going to church every Sunday.” (he’s a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a…)

Bachelor #6: “I dont think am asking for too much here. All I seek is a genuine, matured, intelligent, Woman with a HEART (loving and kind) and who can tolerate my 7yr old.” (good lord, “tolerate”?)

Bachelor #7: “I’m cool young man looking for serious love.I live in New york in the united states of America and an American native. I think i love going to the movies. (get back to us when you are more sure)  I feel very much comfortable in pajamas.” (who here believes he’s an American native, raise your hand.)

Bachelor #8: “To sum it all up, my ex-wife calls me a manchild. (ok, stop right here) I like to party sometimes; if it’s pounding Shochu in Shibuya, rails of 5 star in downtown Bogota or sail in Mediterian, been there… this sounds so gay I put something in when I pay my membership.”  (last line totally confused me)

Bachelor #9: “The best place to meet a girl is at the supermarket. You don’t need to waste a lot of time there, either. You see she’s holding a list, you know she’s married. She’s in the frozen food section carrying a small basket, she’s single. I like to hang out by fruits and vegetables, there’s a better chance of getting a girl who’s healthy.” (well, as women, WE know where to meet us; he seems to think he’s on a site for providing men with advice on women)

Bachelor #10: “I am looking for a woman to share time and have fun with! I do hope it is you!. I don’t lie I don’t stalk, kill, harrass, or any of that other weirdo stuff.” (maybe someone should let him know that mentioning stalking, harassing, etc. comes off as just a little threatening)

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Weapons of the week.

  1. Oh man. I really like how in the list of weirdo stuff, “killing” is casually placed in the middle. First I kill you, then I harass you. That is weird!

  2. It seems like the ability to spell is a surprisingly effective signaling device in this setting.

  3. Jenn Lena

    and punctuation; and punctuation.

  4. Oh my gosh, they’re all so great! How can I ever select my favorite?

  5. I know! Wow. I had a couple of laugh-out-loud moments.

    Bachelor #2 makes me feel angry and violent. I sooooo want to harsh his mellow.

    Bachelor #5 seems to be listing his past fights with other women to ward off future candidates who may have a problem with the same things. Sophistication fail.

    Bachelor #8 seems to be actively partying while writing his personal, which lead to him forgetting that he was writing it at the end there. So he started narrating his inner thoughts. Which aren’t very evolved, there, are they now? And, um, “rails of 5 star in downtown Bogota?” Can someone translate this phrase for me? is he talking about doing coke in a nice hotel? Or doing high quality coke in downtown Bogota? Or nothing about coke at all? Something tells me I’m not hip with the lingo.

  6. Jenn Lena

    We call No 2 “Yoga Boyfriend.” That is, we have a Simmelian type denoted “Yoga Boyfriend” and he is an example.

    No 5 is all icky and human. Too messy.

    The probable coke references, misspellings and grammar mistakes, and homophobia of No 8 make him very appealing, I must admit. (I’m waiting for the cocaine jury, btw. I googled, only to find myself.)

  7. He’s clearly talking about fencing materials, which is much kinkier than I originally thought… Ok, I’ll stop. Sorry.

  8. wow. i have to admit that i am currently undergoing the same ordeal & every day – EVERY DAY – it makes me want to write a book providing the backstories for these men. i think i could make a million. here’s the ones i’d start with:

    1. The Most Private Thing I’m Willing To Admit Here: I have a great sex drive with the right woman.

    2. I Spend A Lot Of Time Thinking About: my family and think about getting out to find another job in this screwed up economy. and also thinking about getting better after my brain surgery

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