When we were still all in school, Tammy decided to buy a house in Istria. It was both a practical decision (as she spent long months gathering oral histories of political violence in the area) and an optimistic one (as she fantasized about future research projects and future vacations in the area). As she was living in New York at the time, a good amount of her house hunt was conducted over the internet and email. Often, her Croatian interlocutors were not fluent in written English, and so the emails she received would be mangled sentences, presumably contorted on their way through the babelfish translator. The very worst of these–the most nonsensical–also happened to have the formal attributes of a haiku, and so it was dubbed, and it lived on our communal office wall for many years, and was the source of great and continuing amusement.
Let’s start with the first course: He would eat on order. At this stage in our country’s history, we are supposed to have moved past the ruthless slaughter and consumption of our religious enemies, but I am compelled to eat the “shakers of the Kalesija”, just to see if victory tastes sweet. If I choose to indulge my French heritage, perhaps I will also saw the chop to white sauce (clearly, the poor man’s Whitesnake), and order fries and croquets.
On to course no. 2: The Burning. I suppose more than one burning lamb requires more than one “m” although I would have doubled some of the other consonants, as well. (or maybe not the “l” for the sake of avoiding “burning llama” confusion.) I am very much looking forward to seeing the actor who will “role the stew” because I imagine that kind of intensity is difficult to pull off, what with all those burning kids being served to the next table.
Time to order a drink, already: The Black Table Wines and Without Alcoholic Slings. I don’t have much to say about the bev, except that I’ll feel much better about eating, once I finish drinking my Superior Blatina.
The fourth course: Finally we are getting somewhere. I would like to order the Vipers, but I am a little concerned about whether they will go well with the “arid sweep”. It sounds a little like that toxic cocktail they wanted me to drink at the health spa, although I think that was called the “colon blast.” And I have learned to stay away from the beef vulture, but am interested in your “Chiken of vulture hardly with.” What is it hardly with, today? And it is a mistake to mix the vulture with The Coldly?
The fifth, and lightest, course: I am glad to be winding down a little bit, although I’m not quite ready to be poached, thank you. Since I had the small donkey last time, could I please have the “unever fish”? It must be a very small portion, no?
And the final course: It is perhaps my favorite minute of the meal, choosing from “He Would Eat With Grill,” especially after reading the fine print, learning that “The continutions have grilled the removes with the tip cat, the French fries, black curvature.” I know many of you envy me this moment, especially knowing that I will eat the black curvature. I have debated long and hard, and almost chose the “would be stired sweep” but ultimately, I simply must have some of that “Tricksy bosnian.” Because they sure are, those bosnians, and this will teach them.