Opening skit: Jonah kid from that teen comedy jokingly hits on Britney Spears; claims “bros over hos”; Britney leaves to go to work as opening hostess at VMAs. She wears same silver lame dress as everyone else. Entering venue song: Hit Me Baby, One More Time. Seems like exactly what we claimed we would never do, again. Dress functions as disco camouflage, causing her to become reflective human material. Does not appear to be under the influence of any handlers, or prescription drugs.
Angry zombie mob with Halloween lightsticks robotically dancing with Rhianna, wheeled in on some sort of multi-tiered stone cake dress. Very Grace Jones. Intentional? When did she go so rock-of-1987? She’s spinning on the smallest stage lazy susan. At least it is also made of mirrors. Wait. I just got it. “Rock is dead.” Is this the theme of this performance?
Finally! Russell Brand. I love you. Even though you only own one set of clothes, and you stole those from Keith Richards. Oh. This isn’t funny. This is a table of contents. Slash is in the audience? Brand asks, on behalf of the world, that we elect Barack Obama. Calls Bush a “Retarded Cowboy”. “Use a condom, or become a Republican” = message to Palin’s daughter’s baby daddy. I wish he weren’t out of breath during this monologue. Whaa….? I missed that remark about Madonna dating Alex Rodriguez because he had a baseball bat.
I don’t care about the Jonas Brothers. Or their virginity pledge. I don’t even think I’d care if they lost their virginity, right here, right now, on my teevee.
Jaime Foxx. Is that 12 points and a double word score? Acting all screamy like a 1981 MC. YO YO YO YO. Female video. Claims he’s “here to show my full, full appreciation for the ladies” right after his only comments about Rhianna’s performance were “nice outfit” and “Chris Brown, lucky man.” FOUL. Wow. Britney wins? She released a song this year? I thought she was wasted the whole time. Confused. Also confused by her dress. Thanks GOD!!!!! I think Katie Perry was just escorted out in the middle of a conniption fit. Russell again with the Best New Artist announcement with that awful Spencer Pratt and his nitwit blonde paycheck. Blech. Where’s that bleach, for my eyes?
Best male video: presenter Demi Moore. ALSO wearing silver silk shirt. Note to self: buy silver lame futures, about 5 years ago. Chris Brown, “With You.” If I am not mistaken, he is wearing a woman’s broach on his lapel. Gratitude to god stuck between record label shout out and thanking mother. Taylor Swift intros the Jonas Brothers who appear to be performing on the Sesame Street set. How sad for those boys that the goodlooking one is also the one with the best voice. And is dude playing a demi-bass? A children’s base? What is that thing? Ugh. I just realized. It is an electric mandolin. Time for more bleach. Song transition causes the set to open to a city square, and thousands of fans run in, and the heavy one are easier for the cameraman to catch, and the guy fans all have molded fauxhawks? Guy fans? Maybe it is more accurately described as a ducktail, except on the top of the head. OH! The transition music is Katie Perry, off pitch, singing “Like A Virgin.” Very interesting. VERY off pitch.
Second commercial. Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates.
Katie Perry singing her song about kissing girls. Russell throws to Michael Phelps, wearing Princess Lea ears. Throws to Leona Lewis, T Pain and Lil’ Wayne who have re-created the Lawrence Welk set. Wayne enters on the Studio 54 steps with no shirt and his WHOLE ass hanging out of his pants. And while he is in reasonably good shape, this is certainly unnecessary. Actually, they’re both pretty ugly. And T Pain’s Leather St. Pepper’s Band leader outfit is not hot.
Lindsey Lohan and another Silver Dress announce “fanny pack” are the winners of the VMA dance contest. Best dancing in a video award goes to The Pussycat Dolls. Awesome. God’s third thank you. Five more silver dresses. And they plug their next album by screaming the release date into the microphone. Bleach for the ears, now.
Third commercial break.
Stupid Pete Wentz/Danity Kane promo for user voting Best New Artist crapola. What is the purpose of this, really?
Funny “only god is real” joke. See, Russell? You should be smart, as you are. Teenagers I don’t recognize descend to the stage. Throw to Paramour playing the Whiskey. Ok, I already know that’s not the Whiskey. That’s the state of things. MTV doesn’t expect us to recognize one of the most famous stages in Rock history. Eff you, MTV. Eff you for claiming to love music. You ain’t shit. Ugh. The reveal. Yup. They’re on the regular old stage. What is the fastest way to get bleach to the brain?
Commercial numero four.
Slash and Shai Shea Shyae LeBeof LeBeouf. Also. Wearing. Silver. Best Rock Video aka Despair Ye Wee Ones For There Are No Flowers Here: Lincoln Park. Says “Transformers was awesome.” Miley Cyrus RockBanding Living on a Prayer. Intros Pink. Who is dressed like Patty LaBelle. In 1985. Another song that makes a waste of her awesome voice. Her outfit is 007 girlfriend HOT.
And we’re at commercial break five.
Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson doing their marriage-pregnancy dealieo. Best Hip Hop Video “presented” by “Slipknot” who are really…wait for it…Slipknot and Chris Teen Star Whatshisface I Can’t Be Expected To Remember These Things. Winner is…(please, Lupe, please, Lupe)…Lil Wayne for Lollipop. Who now is wearing a kafeya. And thanks god. Thank god.
Ouch. Jordan Sparks, apropos of nothing (including the hottie John Legend standing next to her) defends the Jonas Brothers’ Promise rings by explaining “not everyone wants to be a slut.” How sex turned into a pitched battle between virgins and sluts is lost on me. Can’t we just have regular, regular sex anymore? TI. I bet he wears a promise ring. At first, he does that I’ll buy you diamonds and furs song…until he transitions into Rhianna singing this new cover of the Miahah song (“”Dragostea Din Tei” by O-Zone) that I heard last week. This is a hit song, kids. The first one we’ve heard all night.
No. 6. Time for chocolate.
High School Musical No 47 Cast intro Christina Aguilera whose video montage suggests she’s a thousand year old, hypersexed teenager. And her vocals are clearly not being sung, right now. I think it just wasn’t her. Body double. I’m fairly certain the real Christina’s pants are so tight she’s got a dromedary imitation doing on, down there. Unfortunately, an apology about the promise ring jokes. And then, not so much.
Chase Crawford and LC. Not terribly great actors, either. Tokio Hotel wins that user voter thingie that I still don’t care about.
LL!!! Going Back to Cali!!! Paris Hilton. Less exciting. Best Pop Video: Britney Spears. Again: she released music this year? Who knew? God gets thanked, again! And then Lupe is given an outro? AN OUTRO? This is a GENIUS and you give him an OUTRO? I’m pissed. And revved up on chocolate. Watch out.
Young actor people in some Christmas movie intro Kid Rock. Who is holding a Solo cup drink. Classy. Interesting remake of Sweet Home Alabama and Teenage Werewolf with autobiographical lyrics. He’s really reimagined his youth in Michigan as a classic White Deep South thing. Wyclef just joined him on stage. He does that, too, huh? Haiti as Alabama? And they’re rhyming “things” with “things.” This is just like surgery. Except with more precision. Wyclef has borrowed Lil’ Wayne’s outfit.
Kobe Bryant. Video of the Year. I’m so glad I didn’t look these up ahead of time, or I would have never sat through this. There isn’t a single song on the list. Britney wins. Who is the dude with her? And WTF? Dedicated to her fans. She gets on a golf cart with Russell. They drive out of the venue to throw to Kayne West. Who is wearing one of those LED jackets, this one with a heart on the lapel. And he sings. He sings. This is an amazing set. It resembles one of those Kenneth Branaugh Shakespeare remakes where the army (in this case, of a drum line) appear as big shadows, spectres.
Wrapping up: Silver dresses. Britney Spears triumphs with absolutely no content on offer. God gets thanked four times? Five? Did you count? Russell Brand is 100% awesome but not so much tonight. But he can have my babies. The music was absolutely banal, except Kayne. Oh, and the Rhianna duet with TI. That’s it kids. Start working now for next year.