Following on Chris Uggen’s driving confession, I will admit that I am one of those aggressive, fast drivers you love to hate. I am a sensible, civic minded person, but I grew up driving the I-95 corridor and in a city run by the Mob. I am simply not to blame.
None of that matters now, because I don’t live in a place where people like me are heralded as champions and athletes. Instead, we are given tickets. Two of them, in fact. In one day. Within five minutes of each other. I’ll tell you the details in person, someday, because for tonight my focus isn’t on the minor infraction punished mercilessly by the evil, dread NPD, but rather on its resolution.
A six hour, online driver re-education course.
I wish you could have been with me, all six hours, but instead the best I can do is give you a kind of impressionistic sense of how incredibly wonderful this experience was for me.
As you can plainly see, this is during hour 2 of the course, and I am learning about Making Choices You Can Live With. On the screen, you can see that there are two platters on the left onto which you drag and drop icons of various “drugs”, according to whether the statement made about the drug is correct, or not. For example, I was asked: “True or false?: Over the counter drugs do not effect your driving ability.” Since the answer is clearly false–or at least, it was the last time I tried driving on 400mg of Oxycontin–I dragged the pill tube over to the “false” platter. The remaining impression, at least for me, was that I was creating an aperitif not unlike what I imagine Elton John’s butler prepared each day of September, 1973.
Now, I do not want to appear a braggart, but I scored a perfect 100% on the final 26-question test, and have, after sending in several large checks to the appropriate Metro offices, removed the speeding ticket from my “official” record.
Touche, Mr, Police Officer. Touche.