Slow down, you go too fast. You’ve got to make the moment last.

Following on Chris Uggen’s driving confession, I will admit that I am one of those aggressive, fast drivers you love to hate. I am a sensible, civic minded person, but I grew up driving the I-95 corridor and in a city run by the Mob. I am simply not to blame.

None of that matters now, because I don’t live in a place where people like me are heralded as champions and athletes. Instead, we are given tickets. Two of them, in fact. In one day. Within five minutes of each other. I’ll tell you the details in person, someday, because for tonight my focus isn’t on the minor infraction punished mercilessly by the evil, dread NPD, but rather on its resolution.

A six hour, online driver re-education course.

I wish you could have been with me, all six hours, but instead the best I can do is give you a kind of impressionistic sense of how incredibly wonderful this experience was for me.

As you can plainly see, this is during hour 2 of the course, and I am learning about Making Choices You Can Live With. On the screen, you can see that there are two platters on the left onto which you drag and drop icons of various “drugs”, according to whether the statement made about the drug is correct, or not. For example, I was asked: “True or false?: Over the counter drugs do not effect your driving ability.” Since the answer is clearly false–or at least, it was the last time I tried driving on 400mg of Oxycontin–I dragged the pill tube over to the “false” platter. The remaining impression, at least for me, was that I was creating an aperitif not unlike what I imagine Elton John’s butler prepared each day of September, 1973.

Now, I do not want to appear a braggart, but I scored a perfect 100% on the final 26-question test, and have, after sending in several large checks to the appropriate Metro offices, removed the speeding ticket from my “official” record.

Touche, Mr, Police Officer. Touche.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Slow down, you go too fast. You’ve got to make the moment last.

  1. Love the Elton John line.

    I recently had to take Ohio’s computerized driving test (aka the “written” test), as I moved from Kentucky last year, and apparently, people with out-of-state licenses aren’t to be trusted. I was actually laughing out loud at some of the questions. The only one I remember now was about what you should do if you approach a railroad crossing when the lights are flashing. One of the options was, “Speed up and try to beat the train.” Hellzyeah!

    Remarkably, three people failed while I was waiting my turn.

  2. Jenn Lena

    That’s hilarious, Dave! When I got a new license in New York City last year, I witnessed an accusation of cheating on the written driver’s test that escalated into a knife fight. This being New York, it took only seconds for the undercover, off-duty NYPD officers to wrestle both men to the floor, and the incident was over except for the epithets. Imagine if the one cheating copied “Speed up and try to beat the train”? Life is weird.

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